New Teachers At Hogwarts!
by jamc91
Summary: What if some of my friends and I were teachers at Hogwarts? Marauder time! Read and Review! 'Tis Pointless Humor! Don't say I didn't warn you! Again, reviews much appreciated!
1. We Get The Letter! And the Journey There

NEW TEACHERS AT HOGWARTS!  
  
(A/N: I got this idea from fellytone's 'Priori Incantatem'. Actually it was from one of the lines, I quote: 'Many of the professors had trouble tolerating her presence in their classrooms; Professor McGonagall found an excuse to kick Bellatrix out of her class every day that week.')  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. Tanya and Sian belong to themselves. I belong to me.  
  
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Presenting . . .  
  
NEW TEACHERS AT HOGWARTS!  
  
:HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY  
  
Dear Ms T. Ritard, S. Blower, and J. Fridge, (A/N: 'Ritard' comes from a term in music (it was only after I typed it that I realised it's similar to 'retard'; the spellchecker even tried to make me change it to 'Retard'. No Tanya, I didn't do it on purpose (why'd Spellchecker try to change it to 'did' instead of 'didn't'? I didn't!), get your hands away from my neck). 'Blower' and 'Fridge' comes from combining 'Flower' and 'Bridge'.)  
  
You have been selected as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You will be given a choice of whether you want to rotate shifts, or you can work together at the same time, assisting each other, particularly with the more . . . shall we say, frustrating classes.  
  
Please report for your teacher's training as soon as possible, preferably within the next week.  
  
Professor M. McGonagall Deputy Headmistress:  
  
Jamie finished reading the letter, rolled it up, and tossed it to Siân. Siân caught it, unrolled it, and read it quickly, then passed it to Tanya. Tanya scanned it and lowered the letter.  
  
'So . . . now what?' said Jamie, once she saw that Tanya had finished.  
  
Tanya shrugged. Jamie turned to Siân.  
  
'Why were WE selected to be professors anyway?' Siân mused. She looked up and Jamie and Tanya, as though expecting them to have the answer.  
  
Tanya shrugged again as Jamie said, 'How the heck am I supposed to know?'  
  
Tanya finally spoke up. 'Who cares?! We're professors at Hogwarts! I'm going to pack,' she said, rushing upstairs. Jamie and Siân looked at each other. Jamie raised an eyebrow. They both got up and followed Tanya upstairs to pack.  
  
AFTER SOME PACKING AND STUFF LATER  
  
'Parchment?'  
  
'Check.'  
  
'Quills?'  
  
'Check!'  
  
'Robes?'  
  
'Check.'  
  
'The letter?'  
  
'Check!'  
  
'Okay, that's pretty much it, right?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Check!'  
  
Siân lowered the checklist to stare at Tanya.  
  
'Right,' said Jamie. 'How are we supposed to get there?'  
  
'Check!'  
  
Jamie turned to stare at Tanya, too.  
  
'Um . . .' said Siân.  
  
'Check!'  
  
'Apparition?' suggested Jamie.  
  
'Check!'  
  
'No, there are Anti-Apparition wards around Hogwarts, remember?' said Siân.  
  
'Check!'  
  
'Oh, right. I forgot. So how?' asked Jamie.  
  
'Check!' Tanya chirped.  
  
'SHUT UP!' said Jamie and Siân simultaneously, wheeling around to glare at Tanya.  
  
'Check!'  
  
AFTER SOME ATTEMPTED STRANGLING AND WAND-WAVING LATER  
  
It was now Tanya's turn to glare at Siân and Jamie, having been put under a Silencing Charm. Her wand was now hidden away somewhere. She had also been bound by a Limb-Locker (A/N: There is no such thing, I made it up, heh), and was unable to move her arms and legs to injure Jamie and Siân.  
  
'Why don't we just ask Dumbledore to lift the Anti-Apparition Wards for a couple of minutes?' suggested Jamie.  
  
'And HOW is he going to do that? There must be hundreds of wards, the school is huge!' said Siân.  
  
'Well, how else are we going to get there? The Hogwarts Express doesn't start up until September the first!' countered Jamie.  
  
'Ugh,' said Siân, putting her face in her hands. 'It's too far away to go by broom . . .'  
  
'Hey, where's Tanya?' said Jamie, glancing around the room.  
  
'I'm down he-ere!' came a cheerful cry from below.  
  
Jamie looked out the window. Tanya was in the garden, petting something invisible.  
  
'What are you doing?' Jamie yelled.  
  
'I bumped into something invisible! It feels like a horse kinda animal,' Tanya shouted back.  
  
Siân looked up.  
  
'It's invisible?' said Jamie.  
  
'That's what I said!' yelled Tanya in annoyance.  
  
Siân got up and went into the garden downstairs.  
  
'Must be a Thestral, then,' said Siân. 'Are there any more?' she asked Tanya.  
  
'How am I supposed to know?' said Tanya irritably.  
  
Jamie joined them. 'Well, can we just ride this to Hogwarts, then?'  
  
'It's not tamed,' said Siân.  
  
'All you have to do is be nice to them,' said Tanya.  
  
'But there aren't any more,' said Jamie, looking around. 'How'd it get here anyway?'  
  
'Oh, I found a pesky gnome in the garden,' said Tanya. 'I forgot how to get rid of gnomes properly, so I just . . . er . . .'  
  
'Disposed of it?' suggested Jamie helpfully.  
  
'Kind of, yeah,' said Tanya.  
  
'How are we going to get to Hogwarts?!' said Siân, effectively ending their conversation.  
  
'Where's Sausage?' said Jamie suddenly, looking around the garden.  
  
'Out back,' said Tanya. 'I'll go get him!'  
  
Sausage was their pet Hippogriff. As they lived in a Muggle neighborhood, they had to put Disillusionment Charms on him.  
  
The name 'Sausage' was a very odd name for a Hippogriff. Tanya had first suggested 'Birdie', as he was half-eagle, kind of, but that didn't seem to fit very well. Then Jamie had come up with 'Borse', a combination of the words 'Horse' and 'Bird'. Then 'Borse' became 'Borsch', which reminded Siân of sausages, for some reason, so they called him Sausage.  
  
Jamie and Siân followed Tanya to the hidden backyard, which was invisible to Muggles, and Tanya untied Sausage from the fence.  
  
'Well, that's pretty much the transportation solved, then,' said Jamie. 'What about our stuff?'  
  
Tanya summoned their trunks into the backyard and bewitched them to make them feather-light, then Jamie and Siân helped tie them onto Sausage and the invisible Thestral from nowhere. It was difficult with the Thestral, as they couldn't see it, but they managed it in the end. The trunk helped them get onto it, too.  
  
Soon, Tanya was on the Thestral, and Jamie and Siân had climbed onto Sausage and renewed the Disillusionment Charm, just in case. They also Disillusioned themselves and their trunks.  
  
AFTER SOME FLYING LATER  
  
They landed near Hagrid's cabin. They got off, tied Sausage to the nearby post (the Thestral seemed tame enough not to wander away too far; besides, there were plenty of tamed Thestrals anyway, they could just ask Hagrid), and went up to Dumbledore's office.  
  
AFTER SOME WALKING AND COMPLAINING OF HATING GOING UP STAIRS LATER  
  
'Um.' said Tanya.  
  
'What's the password?' said Jamie.  
  
'Let's just guess,' said Siân. 'Um, Sugar Quill.'  
  
'Acid Pop?'  
  
'Cockroach Cluster?'  
  
'Chocolate Frog?'  
  
'Jellybean?'  
  
'Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans?'  
  
'Sherbet Lemon?'  
  
'Blood Flavoured Lollipop?'  
  
'Starbucks Coffee?'  
  
Tanya and Siân stared at Jamie.  
  
'What?' said Jamie. 'It worked, didn't it?'  
  
'What?' they turned to face the gargoyle. Sure enough, it had moved. They stepped onto the moving staircase.  
  
'I didn't know Dumbledore liked Starbucks,' said Tanya.  
  
Jamie knocked. The door swung open. They walked in.  
  
'Welcome,' said Dumbledore. 'Please, sit down.'  
  
They made themselves comfortable.  
  
'Would you like a latte?'  
  
'Um . . .'  
  
'No, thanks,' said Siân. 'So when are we going to start the training stuff?'  
  
'Can I have some?'  
  
Siân glared at Tanya.  
  
'What?' said Tanya defensively.  
  
'Of course,' said Dumbledore, a hint of amusement in his eyes.  
  
Tanya took a sip and almost spat it out.  
  
'The training thingy?' asked Jamie.  
  
'Ah, yes,' said Dumbledore. 'Here are your timetables. You will begin tomorrow, at ---'  
  
'SIX O' CLOCK A.M.?!' cried Tanya, this time really spitting out her coffee all over her timetable.  
  
'Why, yes,' said Dumbledore. 'I do hope you don't mind.'  
  
'MIND?!'  
  
Dumbledore's amusement was barely concealed now. He smiled. 'Well, I suppose I could change it to eight ---'  
  
'Thank you!'  
  
'--- but I'm afraid Professor McGonagall wouldn't be most pleased.'  
  
'WHAT?!'  
  
'Thank you for your time,' said Dumbledore hastily. 'You really must get to bed now, it's getting late, I'll see you tomorrow.'  
  
'Bye,' said Jamie, trying to restrain, with Siân's help, a furious Tanya from lunging at Dumbledore.  
  
They finally managed to get her out the door with the help of a Stunning Spell and a Levitating Charm, so no harm done there.  
  
'Oh, where are we going to sleep?' said Siân, poking her head back in briefly.  
  
'The teachers' wing is on this floor. Just turn right at the first fork, then go straight at the second intersection. Then turn right again. The password is Sherbet, followed by your last name,' said Dumbledore.  
  
'Okay, thanks!' Siân's head disappeared again.  
  
AFTER SOME FOLLOWING OF DIRECTIONS LATER  
  
'We're here,' said Jamie, stopping in front of a dead end. 'Sherbet Fridge,' she said. The wall opened. She stepped in, taking her trunk with her. The wall sealed again.  
  
'Sherbet Blower,' said Siân. She revived Tanya first before disappearing into the wall, leaving written instructions on how to get in. Hopefully by the time she'd finished reading the note, they'd have found a safe sanctuary.  
  
Tanya woke up, read the note, got in, taking her trunk with her, and went to find Jamie and Siân.  
  
(A/N: Five pages.  
  
I had originally planned to make this a one-shot fic, but then I remembered the teacher's training thing, and I wanted to get some of their classes in there as well, and I think people would lose interest in this if it was too long. So I'm making it several chapters. Tanya and Siân may chip in from time to time.) 


	2. The Great Chase And Some Exploring Stuff

~*NEW TEACHERS AT HOGWARTS!*~  
  
(A/N: Whee, this was a fast update. For me, anyway.  
  
Again, I'm warning you: DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITHOUT PLOTS. ALSO IF YOU DON'T LIKE POINTLESS HUMOUR. IF YOU FLAME ME SAYING THIS WAS POINTLESS, WELL, TRY TO LEAVE A SIGNED REVIEW SO I CAN READ YOUR STORIES, IF ANY, AND FLAME THEM, AHAHAHAHAHA. BECAUSE THIS IS * meant * TO BE POINTLESS. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.  
  
In this fic, the books by JKR are real; we've all read them. But Hogwarts is also real. So we know the secret passages and stuff, ahaha.)  
  
~Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. I belong to myself. Sian and Tanya belong to themselves.~  
  
NEW TEACHERS AT HOGWARTS!  
  
Sian (A/N: The accent is getting annoying. I'm going to ignore it. It's a lot easier than having to click 'Insert' then 'Symbols' then the 'â' sign thingy then 'Insert' then 'Close' all the time) and Jamie were hiding. Somewhere. I have no idea where. They didn't, either, actually. They just ran up somewhere like headless chickens, found a somewhat inconspicuous (A/N: If you don't know what that means, highlight it and press 'd' on your keyboard) spot, and hid in there.  
  
Tanya, downstairs, was looking in every single hiding spot she could think of. The closet, under the stairs, the closet under the stairs, the fridge, the kitchen cabinet, under their room's beds, behind couches, and such. She was creeping around the teachers' wing silently. She spotted a door, which was ajar . . . voices were coming from it . . .  
  
'I'm getting bored now,' whispered Jamie.  
  
'Shut up!' hissed Sian. 'She'll hear us.'  
  
There was a short silence.  
  
'When do you think she'll find us?' said Jamie.  
  
'Right now!'  
  
The door opened. Jamie stared at Tanya, standing there with a triumphant, evil grin on her face.  
  
'How'd you do that?' asked Jamie, turning back to face Sian.  
  
'Do what?' said Sian.  
  
'Give a really accurate estimate of when she'd find us.'  
  
'I didn't.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
Another short silence. Tanya was losing interest in the conversation. The manic glint was returning to her eyes.  
  
'Um, Sian,' said Jamie.  
  
Tanya stuck out her foot discreetly; ready to trip whoever it was that came out first.  
  
'What?'  
  
'I think we should . . . run,' suggested Jamie, who had noticed the manic glint in Tanya's eyes. 'If you don't mind, I'll go first –'  
  
She bolted for the door. Unfortunately, she tripped over Tanya' outstretched foot and went flying. Tanya's eyes widened. She hadn't meant to do that. She'd just wanted to make her stumble. Who knew she lost her balance so easily? Maybe she just wasn't expecting it. Which she wasn't.  
  
Jamie landed.  
  
Tanya ran.  
  
Jamie got up, wincing, and looking around murderously.  
  
'TANYA FREAKING RITARD!!! YOU FREAKING RETARD!!! YOU WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU –'  
  
Jamie ran after Tanya. Even though she completely sucked at athletic stuff, she could run quite fast when she felt like it. In this case, she definitely felt like it. Sports Day? Fat chance.  
  
Tanya looked behind her. Jamie was gaining, slowly, but gaining nonetheless. Tanya turned to face forwards again and almost barely missed the wall. 'What the fish -' she said, dodging it. Jamie avoided it and continued running.  
  
A FEW MINUTES LATER  
  
Sian was finally coming out of the closet.  
  
Just around the corner, Tanya was running down the hallway, Jamie hot on her heels. Tanya turned the corner and almost crashed into Sian. However, because of this, Tanya had to stop. Also, she was getting pretty tired.  
  
Jamie turned the corner and skidded to a halt. She was also out of breath, and very tired. She hadn't much stamina as Tanya. Or Sian, as a matter of fact.  
  
'Fish you, Tanya,' said Jamie, glaring at Tanya.  
  
AFTER SOME DUELING AND STUFF LATER  
  
'Okay, this is getting stupid,' said Sian.  
  
Tanya was on the floor, laughing hysterically. And not just because of a spell, either.  
  
Jamie was doing some weird interpretive dance thingy. Tanya was half- laughing at that, and half-laughing because she was under the Laughing Spell thing.  
  
Sian sighed, waved her wand, and said, 'Finite Incantatem!'  
  
Jamie stopped dancing. Tanya, however, didn't stop laughing.  
  
Jamie glared at Tanya and jabbed her own wand at Tanya. 'Silencio!'  
  
The room was silent, though Tanya continued to laugh.  
  
'Hermione would be so proud of you,' said Sian, looking at Tanya.  
  
'I know,' grinned Jamie. She looked down at Tanya, too. 'Oops.'  
  
Tanya's hair now had blonde highlights.  
  
Tanya really stopped laughing now. She glanced into a nearby mirror. A wide grin split her face.  
  
Sian took off the Silencing Charm momentarily, just to see how she'd react.  
  
'I FINALLY GOT HIGHLIGHTS! YAY!!!'  
  
Jamie and Sian stared.  
  
Tanya was leaping around in joy.  
  
Jamie looked at Sian, then looked back at Tanya. She grinned again, an evil one this time.  
  
Jamie pointed her wand at Tanya and said, 'Finite Incantatem!'  
  
Tanya's new highlights vanished.  
  
Tanya, noting her highlights were gone, stopped cheering. She shot Jamie a malicious look.  
  
'Methinks you both have death wishes,' said Sian.  
  
Jamie and Tanya reverted their gazes to Sian.  
  
'Oops.' was the only word that came out of her mouth. Well, besides the next thing she said, which was:  
  
'Um . . .'  
  
Then:  
  
'I . . . take it back?'  
  
Jamie, satisfied, withdrew her gaze. Tanya glared at Sian a moment longer, then she too turned away.  
  
Sian sighed in relief.  
  
'Let's go unpack,' said Jamie, going to their rooms.  
  
AFTER SOME UNPACKING LATER  
  
'Now that's got over with,' said Jamie, stuffing a green tie-dye T-shirt into her dresser, 'let's explore the castle.'  
  
'Give me a minute,' said Sian, attempting to force two pairs of jeans into an already overflowing drawer.  
  
'I'm done!' said Tanya.  
  
'You need to fold those first, you understand, right?' said Jamie, pointing at Sian's jeans.  
  
'They ARE folded!' snapped Sian.  
  
'Look, just leave them for now and we'll come back later,' said Jamie, rolling her eyes for no particular reason.  
  
AFTER SOME ALMOST-TRIPPING-OVER-A-STAIR-SOMEHOW-ING LATER (A/N: I can't believe Word didn't think that was a grammar mistake.)  
  
'Hey, let's go check out the Room of Requirement thing,' suggested Sian.  
  
'And what kind of room do we require right now?' asked Jamie.  
  
'Um . . .'  
  
'Let's ask it for a Starbucks Coffee!' said Tanya.  
  
'Right.'  
  
'Whatever.'  
  
They went to the seventh floor, found the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy (or whatever it was), paced in front of the wall across the tapestry three times, thinking of a Starbucks Coffee, grabbed the handle of the glass door which had appeared, and went inside.  
  
There really wasn't much activity in the café. It looked just your regular Starbucks during a not-rush-hour time.  
  
There was a rack of the day's newspapers near the door. The seats looked quite comfortable, there was an add-sugar-and-stuff station thingy, and the room even had a few people in it.  
  
'Okay . . .'  
  
'This . . . is weird.' said Sian.  
  
'Can I have a grand mocha, please?'  
  
Jamie and Sian looked at the register thingy, or whatever you call it. Tanya was already at it, ordering one Grand size mocha and a mini chocolate éclair. (A/N: I love those. Mmm, éclair-y . . .)  
  
'I'll have a tall hot chocolate,' said Jamie, moving next to Tanya and glancing at the menu on the wall behind the 'register thingy or whatever you call it'.  
  
'And I'll have a tall espresso, please' said Sian.  
  
The . . . er, clerk? or whatever you call them waved her wand. One grand mocha, one tall hot chocolate, one tall espresso, and a mini éclair on a plate appeared on the counter.  
  
'On the house,' said the employee with a smile.  
  
'I like this Starbucks!' said Tanya, as they found a table in the corner.  
  
'Do you think Dumbledore comes here often?' said Sian.  
  
'Well, yeah,' said Jamie. 'Probably.'  
  
They finished their random snack thingy and headed out the door. As soon as they were all out and Jamie closed the door behind her, it vanished.  
  
'Cool,' said Jamie appreciatively.  
  
'Yeah,' agreed Sian.  
  
'Let's go,' said Jamie.  
  
'Yep!' said Tanya, leading the way.  
  
AFTER SOME WALKING AND STUFF LATER  
  
'I'm bored,' said Jamie.  
  
'You're ALWAYS bored,' said Sian, rolling her eyes. (A/N: This is true.)  
  
'Let's go to Hogsmeade!' suggested Tanya.  
  
'I'm going back up,' said Jamie, turning back.  
  
Tanya stuck her tongue out at Jamie's retreating back, turned to Sian, and found that she was yawning and following Jamie.  
  
Tanya huffed and followed them.  
  
(A/N: Four and one-fifth pages, the most I've ever written for any fic in one chapter. Cool. :p) 


	3. You're Late

_(A/N: Another update. Yippee.)_  
  
Disclaimer: HP and all related characters and all that don't belong to me.  
  
New Teachers At Hogwarts!  
  
Instead of being woken to the incredibly clichéd cliché of crickets/birds/various insects and animals chirping, Siân, Tanya and Jamie were woken to the incredibly annoying clichéd cliché of the beeping of a '- beep-ing alarm clock', to use Siân's words.  
  
Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.  
  
Jamie hit the snooze button.  
  
It shut up.  
  
Jamie yawned.  
  
Siân yawned.  
  
Tanya rolled over.  
  
Siân got up.  
  
Jamie half-got up. She got as far as one foot on the floor before she flopped back into bed.  
  
Tanya was completely undisturbed by the '-beep-ing alarm clock'.  
  
Siân surveyed the alarm clock.  
  
'So, what time is it?' She pressed the 'talk' button.  
  
'The time is now – 5:02 A.M.'  
  
'-Beep- you. Stupid alarm clock. All right, who set the alarm to five o' clock?!'  
  
Jamie got up again. She yawned again. And stretched.  
  
Then she tried to wake Tanya up.  
  
She shook her.  
  
She poked her.  
  
Tanya yawned.  
  
_AFTER SOME WAKING UP LATER_  
  
'Hey, what's this?' said Jamie, examining the clock. There was a small piece of parchment on the side. She took it off and read it.  
  
_Peeves woz ere_  
  
Jamie rolled her eyes. She filled up a quill with red ink and made some corrections.  
  
_Peeves -woz- was -ere- here (A/N: -these- represent crossed-out bits.)_  
  
She read the note out loud. Only without the crossed-out bits.  
  
They screamed.  
  
'PEEVES!!!'  
  
Down in the dungeons, far, far away from the teachers' wing, the poltergeist cackled evilly.  
  
_AFTER SOME MORE STUFF LATER_  
  
They walked down to breakfast.  
  
It was 5:30.  
  
They had tried and couldn't get back to sleep.  
  
They swore to get revenge on Peeves.  
  
They wondered where the Bloody Baron was.  
  
Jamie laughed evilly in her head.  
  
They ate breakfast.  
  
Then they went to find Peeves.  
  
It was now 5:48.  
  
_AFTER SOME LOOKING FOR PEEVES LATER_  
  
It was 5:59 now.  
  
'We're going to be late,' said Jamie, glancing at her watch.  
  
'Where are we supposed to go?' asked Tanya, still glaring around murderously for Peeves.  
  
'Let's go to Dumbledore and ask,' suggested Siân.  
  
They happened to be right next to his office.  
  
'Starbucks Coffee,' said Siân.  
  
They stepped onto the moving staircase.  
  
'You know, we never checked the dungeons,' said Jamie.  
  
'You really think he'd be there?' said Siân.  
  
'Well, why not?'  
  
'...'  
  
Down in the dungeons, far, far away from Dumbledore's office, Peeves cackled more evilly.  
  
_IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE_  
  
Siân poked her head around the door.  
  
'Dumbledore?'  
  
'Please, call me Albus.'  
  
They all jumped.  
  
Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Then he emerged from behind a door.  
  
He was holding a cup of cappuccino from Starbucks.  
  
'Right...Albus. So, where are we going for the teacher's training thing?'  
  
Dumbledore handed them a piece of parchment, taking a sip from his cappuccino.  
  
It said, 'First report to Professor McGonagall's office for your schedule.'  
  
'...Which is where?' said Jamie, looking up.  
  
Dumbledore was gone.  
  
Jamie looked back down at the parchment. Underneath the first line, something was forming.  
  
It was a map.  
  
It showed the usual 'You are here' red dot and a red line leading from Dumbledore's office to McGonagall's.  
  
'Cool.'  
  
'Let's go.'  
  
_ON THE WAY TO MCGONAGALL'S OFFICE_  
  
They reached McGonagall's office.  
  
Siân knocked on the door.  
  
McGonagall opened it.  
  
'You're late.'  
  
'We didn't know where to go,' said Tanya defensively.  
  
'Come in.'  
  
They came in.  
  
'Here are your schedules. Your map,' she said, indicating the parchment Dumbledore had given them, 'will show you where to go if you do not know the way.'  
  
She made two more copies of the map thingy with a wave of her wand and gave them to Jamie and Tanya.  
  
'Now hurry up, you're late.'  
  
They hurried up.  
  
They ran out and compared schedules quickly.  
  
Siân was going to be training with Snape as Potions assistant today.  
  
'You're late,' commented Jamie, looking at Siân's schedule.  
  
Siân tore off to the dungeons.  
  
Before Jamie could check with Tanya, Tanya had run off to wherever she was training.  
  
Jamie was going to be taking a course (with some program thingy, not any person) as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.  
  
She grinned evilly.  
  
And casually walked to the DADA classroom.  
  
(A/N: REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
...Please?) 


	4. Jamie's Sortof Training Session but Not ...

_(A/N: I haven't updated in a really, really, really, really, really, really long time! Since May 28th!_

_This chapter is about Jamie's (my) training session thingy. Or not really. Er. Right. Siân's on holiday and I have no idea where Tanya is. Home, I guess. But she's probably on holiday too._

_I'm only updating since I have nothing better to do, you know. And I'm going on holiday soon – August 2nd.)_

**Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me, but Jamie belongs to me (Jamie IS me), Siân belongs to herself, and Tanya belongs to Tanya. Oh, and the Wizard of Oz thing belongs to Frank L. Baum, who wrote the classic children's book. The book was infinitely better than the movie.**

New Teachers at Hogwarts!

Jamie tried to whistle as she ambled towards the DADA classroom, following the map McGonagall had duplicated (Tanya had the original from Dumbledore). She failed rather miserably. All that came out was a puff of pathetic air, for lack of a better phrase.

Jamie glanced down at the map again for the eighth time in three minutes. The 'You are here' red dot showed her to be one corridor away from the DADA classroom. 'Hmm,' she said. Nothing really very meaningful, just a meaningless 'Hmm'.

She walked around the corner. The red dot was now two centimetres away from the DADA classroom and since one centimetre on the map one metre, Jamie walked two metres to the DADA classroom and turned to the doorway.

'You're late.'

Jamie looked around the classroom. There was no one there. 'What?'

'I _said_, you're late. And address me as 'professor' when you are speaking to me.'

Jamie looked around again. Again, no one. Just an odd pen on the desk and a rather large closet in the corner. Nothing else. Not even a computer. If they had computers at Hogwarts, that is. Jamie had suggested this to Dumbledore when she's arrived at Hogwarts, but he'd just smiled and said he'd think about it.

'Sit down.'

Jamie looked around again. 'Where are you?'

'I am the Oz, Great and Powerful, and I am everywhere. SIT DOWN.'

_Hmm…that line sounds vaguely familiar,_ Jamie thought. _That's right! The 'Oz, Great and Powerful' thing is from 'The Wizard of Oz!' Looks like he didn't get back to Omaha…_

Jamie spoke aloud. 'Where?'

'Where what?'

'Where do I sit down?'

'Um…wherever.'

Jamie sat down on the desk, and unbeknownst to the voice (aka Wizard of Oz), quietly took out her wand and pointed it at the closet.

'So, let us begin. First off, I shall teach you –'

Jamie interrupted the wizard by raising her wand and saying loudly, 'Alohomora!'

The door unlocked itself, and Jamie quickly sprinted over to it before Oz could lock it again. She flung the door open, and indeed, there Oz was, looking very surprised and quite scared, too. Jamie grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the closet.

'What were you doing in there?!' she cried. 'You aren't even a wizard, much less a qualified teacher! You're just a circus balloonist from Omaha who also happens to be a ventriloquist!'

'Well, y-yes, but, er, you see, I, um –'

'Where's the real teacher? Where's the program thingy that was SUPPOSED to teach me about how to teach a DADA class???'

'I, er, I-I, I,' Oz stammered.

'You WHAT?' Jamie yelled. Oz covered his ears. 'Does Dumbledore know you're here?'

'W-well, whoever Dumbledore is, n-no,' stuttered the fake wizard. Then Oz realized something. 'How do you know who I am?'

'You mean you don't know that there's a book called 'The Wizard of Oz' that was about Dorothy –'

'Oh yes, Dorothy, I remember her! She was the first one who found me out…and – did you say there was a BOOK about me?'

'Well, not specifically about you, it was more about Dorothy having adventures and meeting new friends to get home than you.'

'Well, goodness me!' said Oz, looking quite flustered.

'Hey, what is your real name? I really don't think it's 'Oz', because well, it's…weird.'

'Yes, I know. I wanted to make up an alias, as I didn't like my name very much. So I just said the first thing that came into my head.'

'So what IS your real name?'

'It…er…it…it's…'

'What IS it?!'

'It, ah, it's, uh, it's, er, it, it, it's…it's…'

'Just TELL me! It can't be very much worse than 'Oz'!'

'I…er…can't tell you.'

'Why not?' asked Jamie.

'Because, er, I…swore I wouldn't tell…?' Oz looked truthful, despite the question mark at the end of his sentence.

Jamie looked annoyed. 'Oh, all right. Then WHAT are you DOING in here???'

'I'm…visiting?' said the wizard unconvincingly, with uncertainty clearly showing in his voice.

Jamie scoffed. 'Yeah, right.'

'Oh, fine,' said the wizard, defeated. 'You know when I got into that balloon, and it floated away?'

'Yeah, duh. I told you, I've read the book!'

'Okay. Well, I couldn't get down, and the balloon went behind a cloud. Then I was out of Oz.

'So I floated for a very long time, occasionally looking down below, and on the third day, I looked down and saw Omaha! I had no idea how to get down, unfortunately, so I just sat down, and thought for a long time.

'Obviously, the balloon was running on hot air, so it was logical that if I took away the heat, the balloon would descend. So I got up again, and I turned off the burner. But when I looked at the earth again, I saw that I was no longer over Omaha. Instead, I had floated across the sea, and was descending on a shocked King's Cross, in London, England!

'The balloon was not descending straight down, but was still going sideways a bit. So I landed in front of a wall, I think, as I heard two thuds – one from the ground, and the other from the wall.

'The balloon had run out of air completely, and I had to crawl out from under it. So I crawled, and I found myself on a platform, with a large red steam-powered train that had 'Hogwarts Express' on the front! Very old-fashioned!

'Then a man with dark hair, and for some reason, red eyes, and said, 'You'll want to get on the train now, it's almost leaving.

'Not knowing where I was and having nothing better to do – as I didn't exactly know how to get out, because there was just the platform and nothing else – I got onto the train, and found that each and every compartment was empty.'

'Wait, this doesn't really make sense. The Hogwarts Express doesn't run until the beginning of the school year, or between terms,' interrupted Jamie.

'I…have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Ignore me. Right, do continue. This is very interesting. It's better than some stupid class, anyway. Why would I need to be trained? Besides the fact that Dumbledore, for some inexplicable reason, hired me though I know nothing about Defence Against the Dark Arts? Anyway, so you got onto the train…then what?'

'Well, as I said, all the compartments were empty, so I chose one at random and sat down. Being very bored, and having nothing to do – there weren't even any sights to see, the train hadn't started yet – I fell asleep.

'When I woke up, I found myself outside of a large castle, and it was already dark. Fortunately, I had a flashlight, and so with some difficulty, I came to a set of rather ostentatiously large double doors, and opened them.'

Jamie interrupted, as contrary to popular belief until now, Jamie hadn't been paying attention at all. She had been staring out the window, as usual, and starting to fall asleep, until something finally registered in her mind. 'Wait, did you say 'red eyes'?'

'Then I walked through a corridor lit by candles along the walls…sorry, what? When?'

'Uh, when you were talking about the guy with the dark hair and red eyes, and getting on to the train and stuff?'

'Yes…yes, yes, I did. Does that matter?'

'Yeah. I think you,' said Jamie, grabbing Oz's arm again, 'should go see Dumbledore.'

The wizard sighed. 'Okay. Fine.'

'You sound like a five year-old,' Jamie pointed out.

Oz stuck out his tongue at Jamie.

'Immature little midget.'

* * *

(A/N: I started this in like, the summer holidays, apparently, according the author's note above, and forgot all about it until I decided to update HPCC, my other fic, and found this on the USB drive thingy I have. And so I finished it, but not knowing what my original intentions with this chapter were, this might be completely different with what I had in mind for the non-existent plot. So this was finally finished several months later, on Saturday January the 8th, 2005.

_**REVIEW **_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

_**REVIEW**_

Please?


End file.
